GOING NORTH

I wanna dance the tango with chance
I wanna ride on the wire
Cos nothing gets done with dust in your gun
And nobody respects a liar
So Ggoodbye for a while I'm off to explore
Every boundary and every door
Yeah I'm going north

I wanna know where children would go
If they never learnt to be cool
Cos nothing's achieved when pushed up a sleeve
Till nobody thinks you're a fool
So goodbye for a while I'm out to learn more
About who I really was before
Yeah I'm going north

Up where the hunted hide with ease
Under the arms of eye-less trees
Up where the answers fall like leaves
Oh and your love is all I need
Yeah I'm going north

Drowning

Clawing out will sometimes seem so far away
Never knowing if I'll live to see another day
Never seem to find out what to do
No one seems to tell you
'Cause you're drowning

When the one you leave is the one thing you believe
You say goodbye when underneath's your one belief
That love rules all, conquers all
That love rules all, it conquers all

Vicious Cycle

Back in that same boat.. heartbreak.

No one warns you how tough things get when you start to grow up.
Heart break is severely underrated. Its so much fucking worse than you can ever imagine. Nothing prepares you. It leaves you questioning whether its even worth being alive than to harbour all this pain. The pain never leaves. It might temporarily die down, but it can be resurrected with such ease.
it hurts. it hurts when it was yourself who made the circumstances like so.

why cant we turn emotions off? why is the human heart so fragile and the ego so easily bruised? why fucking why. Love. the worlds biggest misconception. Love is fucking trouble. are the flickers of good times worth what seems like an eternity of pain?
i hope to fucking to god they are. i think they are.

My good times with love are set in my memory in golden light. perfect. untouchable. soothing and warm. like a film with no sound. ecstasy. pure contentment. tears of joy. such gratitude and appreciation.

Life is a series of events. A spectrum of emotion. One is guaranteed to surpass the other. Combination of feelings. why can't anything in life be simple?

maybe reincarnation is like a gift. you get to come back as simpler beings. happy in their own world of knowing zilch. of course id rather be conscious. but at times like these, full of pain and heartache, id rather die. anything to numb the pain, take it away. knock me out pleaseeee. anything.

i need hope. i need strength. i need a inspiration.

LET GO

So there comes a time when you have to let go. The pain is heart wrenching and leaves so many unanswered questions, but there's that moment where you realise you don't care about the answer to any of those questions anymore. Too much has happened, you have to stop clinging to the past. Leave it. Remember it for all it was, appreciate the experience, but let go.

There's no looking back. There's no wishful thinking. There's no jealousy or anger. There's no what if. There just is what it is, it's no one's fault. Deal with it. Aceept what has happened. Look at the positives. Be brave. Embrace the future.

Everything happens for a reason. When the time comes to leave, don't make a fuss. Just go and go with grace.

Nothing can break the mutual bond, but time does change it.

I think I let go a long time ago and it's been a lengthy process of realising it.

ouch. but goodbye.

vomit

Vomiting is a pretty fascinating body reflex to me. I love how everything in life is metaphorical, well it is to me anyway. Vomit is your body reacting to something toxic, it's a protection mechanism, it's your body trying to rewind the clock and quickly get rid of something it just consumed. or in this case, i feel like i need to vomit due to a psychological response. it links back to my previous entries about how psychological leads to physical.

i think i just went through the worst week of my life. ugh. it was horrible. and i cant even bare to talk about specifics or look at people's faces or listen to songs or anything. i feel SICK with emotional problems. my body wants to regurgitate all the shit and start fresh, back to being healthy. maybe its an immature state of mind, but my life is a mess at the moment. is everyone's life as messy as mine? it doesn't seem like it. im a pretty intense person i guess. i like to think it's a good thing. i don't know anything. why am i full of so much self doubt? i love that saying "if you dont stand for anything, you'll fall for everything." it's so true. but how do you know what to stand for when nothing is clear? there's also that other saying "no one remembers what you did or what you said, they just remember how you made them feel." well im pretty sure people would have mixed emotions when it comes to me. i cause alot of hurt. i also make people feel pretty good at times too i think.

i wish i could be one of those people who are mature, and alreadyyy know better. why must i learn through such an exhausting process? hopefully the rockiest road leads to the top. i seriously don't know how much more self loathing i can take. its no way to live life. i just need to work out how to fix this shit. can i ever redeem my foolish 20yr old actions?! i think so, in hindsight. but shit. my mind remembers all the worst and forgets the best. cry cry cry.

i like to think that things could always be worse.

how do things go wrong when they are initiated with such good intentions? i know i can't expect everything to be perfect, but fuck. maybe one out of ten would be nice?! one can only assume it's their wrong doing in every situation when a pattern is created. a really fucking unhealthy pattern. I believe it's so important to live life for yourself, that said - taking others into consideration of course. Don't care what others think. They might temporarily have something to say about you, but at the end of the day everyone is so caught up in themselves! I think it's important to keep your friends close and fuck your enemies off. don't waste time on people who don't matter and who never will!

It's time to step up to the plate, take responsibility for life and recognise what it takes to get what you want. I want to give back, I want to be independent and stand on my own two feet. I want everyone to realise how much they mean to me, and how much iI appreciate all I get. If that's through working (like everyone else) and realising that i'm not above everyone by working less.. then i have to get my ass to work and do long hours and stay out of trouble. i need to keep myself busy to keep my mind from wondering and finding other ways to occupy myself. Mum has taken the car away and its been fuckin shit. I have had everything handed to me through life, i havent had to reallyyy work hard for that much. Working is noble, it takes time and discipline. Most people work and what do they miss out on? not much. Only if they have a family or something. I should be working full time in my holidays. Work is pretty fun anyway.. i need to save for a car. Then i could drive to the bush when life gets too hard, I could give my friends lifts, I could be independent. I would feel free. Why can people like Loretta get a car but i cant?! fml. i need to stop partially blaming things on other reasons apart from myself. im exactly where i am in life because i got myself here, not cos of anyone else.


Lets see, what have i got in life... Nothing of material value. a pretty good wardrobe - which is a never ending dissatisfaction anyway. ive got some pretty strong relationships behind me.. but relationships are fragile, they come and go. my family.. hrm. to be continued! i know i have their support at the very bottom of it all. no car. no inner peace. ambition? to an extent. uni is alright, im pretty lax about it but its probably my biggest accomplishment. even with uni i havent put in my 110% effort. i think i need to travel, see myself in different situations and out of my comfort zone. see how i interact with people. i think i already know im a pretty good person from day to day. i try to be anyway. everyone was born a sinner right? how is that fucking fair.
anyway. i think its all just a matter of time. things usually fall into place for me. and that is my belief in the universe. a life unexamined is not worth living. so what if things dont work out? did i ever really expect them to? no. so be it.
Live and let live. remember to explore yourself, how can you get to know yourself if you dont explore every aspect?! try new things. learn from mistakes and keep endeavouring to improve.

PROCESS - appreciation of the filtration. xxxx

Refresh

ok so how many chances would a forgiving girl give if a forgiving girl could give chances?

im just gonna say it - boys are fucked up. generalisation? i think not. so this year, as much as it fucking sucks, has not stopped me - until now. i have 'refreshed' myself, tricked myself into giving people the benefit of the doubt, restored my faith in people.. it has come back to bite me in the ass multiple times now.

WHY?! WHY is it that we dont do the logical thing?! why cant we see whats infront of us?! why do we want what we cant have?! why does desire reign my life, always chasing, never satisfied, no pure thought. where is my peace of mind? if i know its from within, why havent i got it yet? the information is basically slapping me in the face and i still SOMEHOW turn a blind eye. im fed up with people. im fed up with myself. im fed up with having no real fucking answers. who the fuck had the nerve to put us through such a beautiful struggle called life, with no ACTUAL answers?!?! no wonder people go crazy. i think everyone's crazy in their own twisted subtle or extravagant way. things have a ripple effect. a small gesture can cause a fucking hurricane. you can never know the full extent of effect you have on someone. never.

just when you think someone couldn't get more genuine, they blow you off in the most embarrassing/confusing manner. i'd just like to ask, there is a common ground right? basic ethics and understandings that humans harbour in their brains as logical sequence of events. everyone has a conscience, correct?

this is my story; met boy. boy was more so, or equally keen for date. boy was "looking forward" to date. day of date rolls around, no contact. is boy dead?

fuck people who are actually just retarded. seriously. i pity their life experience if they havent learnt, or relearnt the importance of manners, respect, integrity and honesty yet. what a douche.

i usually would let this matter float into my 'absolutely-fine-with-never-knowing-the-answer' file, but its just abnormality upon abnormality upon fucking obscene. these things you hear of, like boys being actual numbskulls - they aren't extreme stories, they happen in everyday life, to people who are least expected to be treated as such. i guess high hopes always end in disappointment.

my life goal is to have kids, and install AMAZING basics into them. i suppose parenting comes with its glory and flaws too, but i think its much easier to see progress from another point of view, therefore my kids will know right and wrong. and i can die happily knowing that i contributed a tiny bit to the world. im a reality ambassador, i strive to keep it real. no games, no bullshit, no wacked out sense of normalcy. i just hope i get to use my strengths on something worthwhile one day. i love myself and know how much i have to give. i guess you dont get anywhere in life unless you take chances.

peace
x

the clock ticks life away..

This year, the mighty twenty ten, started off with a good feeling. That feeling died as fast as it came.

I think I may have made history with the amount of raw emotion that has been exhausted from every organ, gland, duct and pore in my body.

I have perished and plundered through broken - no - shattered hearts, guilt, confusion, regret and resentment.
I have been in ecstasy, ahead of my game, pure happiness, my ego was soaring. I have hated myself and loved myself more than ever. I have hated others and loved others more than ever. There is no break, no mediocre element, just an ever changing rollercoaster of emotion.

Can I please just ask, what the fuck is up with 2010?! it's like a constant new moon for me, compacted into every bit of oxygen with crazy ions to make me act like a self-doubting, no directional, sexually confused, lovesick crackhead. wow. what a description. didn't even know I had that one in me.

What nourishes me, destroys me. What I thought was a certainty has left me spinning in circles again. It's like I can't trust my own judgement. I'm sick of being a paradox and questioning myself. I wish I was definite in all that I did.


It's all false love and affection, I don't want you, I just like the attention.

Everything links. Life is like dominoes, everything has a consequence, and effect, and outcome. Each emotion links to a physicality. I've never been so physically affected by something like I have this week. It's all you think about because it's all you can feel. I felt like the biggest piece of shit. I felt like death on legs. It was as if a cannonball had been launched through my chest and I was left to live with the hollow, crushed remains, with organs and sputum reaching out of my throat, hungry but nauseous as fuck. Alive but struggling to breathe. My blood was running but not at its own will. I was alive but dead and rotting. I can say i never, ever want to feel like that again. and it's all because of fucking emotions. It amazes me how much psychological crap can trigger such intense physical reactions and versions of the emotional hurt. Humans feel to the extent of causing liquid to gush out of tiny ducts that could fill an ocean. Have you ever felt like you have zero control over your body and that your tears could go forever? its not the tears that run out, its the eyes that get sore, the nose that blocks, the chest endeavouring to breathe. its fucked. that's love. fucked.


I'm not writing this to sound intensely emo like it may seem, more so just as a reminder to my future self of the minor details that combine to make such an impact on me. I knew I'd eventually feel better and grow numb to the pain, but waiting for the day it subsides is like suicide without a weapon. You want it to leave so badly but you have no choice but to endure it. The only way out, is through.

And that is my point. The only way of getting results, is by going through the process. sometimes frustratingly inconvenient but ultimately necessary. lessons take time to learn. hurtful experiences take time to serve their purpose. It's like how you can listen to a song for years before actually realising what it actually means. time is of the essence. you know this.

PEACE

If you know, you know..

Don't ever doubt what you thought was real, that what you felt was a one way thing. chances are, the person you're thinking about is thinking about you too. Or the person you thought didnt care about you as much as you cared about them, actually does care about you alot.

Never underestimate your instincts. Don't doubt your self worth. You are who you know you are in your heart. Shit happens along the way and there's an underlying truth that doesn't always show, but it's still imprinted.


what do i want?

peace of mind would be nice.

i used to have it. i remember the feeling. i'll get it again.

Freedom. like a gush of wind through my whole body. like a weight off my shoulders. like opening my eyes after being asleep half my life. like everything coming together, piece by piece and making sense. being at one with the universe. the question is... how?

all i know is that its from within. its nothing you can get from someone else.

"If I could be anything but what I am, I would be tomorrow. If I could be what my father wants me to be, then maybe I could stay for that, too. If I could be what you want me to be, I'd want to stay. But I am what I am, and all I want is freedom."

Back in that same boat...

oh hi!

well shit.has.gone.down in the last few weeks... all i can say is karma is a bitch and the truth ALWAYSSSS surfaces. and so it should. 'lies will lock you up with truth the only key.'

it sucks when you have to learn the same lesson over and over again. but i think you do get it after a while. its one thing when you yourself make a mistake, you can see how it happened and how you justified it in your head and how it maybe wasnt such a big deal to you, but when someone else makes the mistake, you find it so hard to recognise logistics and hand over a second chance. i often think that maybe things arent complicated. everything is as it seems. but lately i have been realising that the small facts and minor details do count! maybe my mind just doesnt want them to cos its lazy and doesnt wanna add up all the factors. but yes, there are many contributing factors to every circumstance, so from now on i will try to remember that and not take things personally. as much as you think you might know every single option or route of someones thinking pattern, you cant. people will always surprise you, like you surprise yourself.

i need to learn not to underestimate people, not to judge and not to mistreat. it sucks when you have to admit to your flaws infront of people you want respect from, but maybe thats how you get the respect? who knows. lifes a mystery innit.

its also an issue for me that i always tend to learn things the hard way. theres a reason why parents say wear sunscreen, dont put your info on the internet, go to bed early, eat healthy, brush your teeth etc etc, the world is FULL of everyones advice, because they've been there and learnt the hard way themselves. gosh if i had taken the advice ive been given, i would be cruising through life. but curiosity killed the cat.. how am i supposed to learn a lesson, if i dont know what im using it for?? how am i supposed to not break someones heart, when i dont know what breaking someones heart actually entails? and until i do break someones heart and go through the whole process, it is only then that i can reflect and know for sure that i should be more careful next time. then when i am going slow and being fair to the next person, i can rejoice in the fact that i know i saved them from pain by learning from my experiences. this is my justification of learning the hard way - knowing what you're missing out on, and being thankful for it!

anyway thats enough blabber for tonight.. just wanna remind myself, those who matter dont mind, and those who mind dont matter. do what makes you happy and what your heart tells you is right.

sometimes you have to lose your mind before you find it. sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love in order to appreciate the times when you dont. its a process. appreciation of the filtration. everything always works out.

peace x