vomit

Vomiting is a pretty fascinating body reflex to me. I love how everything in life is metaphorical, well it is to me anyway. Vomit is your body reacting to something toxic, it's a protection mechanism, it's your body trying to rewind the clock and quickly get rid of something it just consumed. or in this case, i feel like i need to vomit due to a psychological response. it links back to my previous entries about how psychological leads to physical.

i think i just went through the worst week of my life. ugh. it was horrible. and i cant even bare to talk about specifics or look at people's faces or listen to songs or anything. i feel SICK with emotional problems. my body wants to regurgitate all the shit and start fresh, back to being healthy. maybe its an immature state of mind, but my life is a mess at the moment. is everyone's life as messy as mine? it doesn't seem like it. im a pretty intense person i guess. i like to think it's a good thing. i don't know anything. why am i full of so much self doubt? i love that saying "if you dont stand for anything, you'll fall for everything." it's so true. but how do you know what to stand for when nothing is clear? there's also that other saying "no one remembers what you did or what you said, they just remember how you made them feel." well im pretty sure people would have mixed emotions when it comes to me. i cause alot of hurt. i also make people feel pretty good at times too i think.

i wish i could be one of those people who are mature, and alreadyyy know better. why must i learn through such an exhausting process? hopefully the rockiest road leads to the top. i seriously don't know how much more self loathing i can take. its no way to live life. i just need to work out how to fix this shit. can i ever redeem my foolish 20yr old actions?! i think so, in hindsight. but shit. my mind remembers all the worst and forgets the best. cry cry cry.

i like to think that things could always be worse.

how do things go wrong when they are initiated with such good intentions? i know i can't expect everything to be perfect, but fuck. maybe one out of ten would be nice?! one can only assume it's their wrong doing in every situation when a pattern is created. a really fucking unhealthy pattern. I believe it's so important to live life for yourself, that said - taking others into consideration of course. Don't care what others think. They might temporarily have something to say about you, but at the end of the day everyone is so caught up in themselves! I think it's important to keep your friends close and fuck your enemies off. don't waste time on people who don't matter and who never will!

It's time to step up to the plate, take responsibility for life and recognise what it takes to get what you want. I want to give back, I want to be independent and stand on my own two feet. I want everyone to realise how much they mean to me, and how much iI appreciate all I get. If that's through working (like everyone else) and realising that i'm not above everyone by working less.. then i have to get my ass to work and do long hours and stay out of trouble. i need to keep myself busy to keep my mind from wondering and finding other ways to occupy myself. Mum has taken the car away and its been fuckin shit. I have had everything handed to me through life, i havent had to reallyyy work hard for that much. Working is noble, it takes time and discipline. Most people work and what do they miss out on? not much. Only if they have a family or something. I should be working full time in my holidays. Work is pretty fun anyway.. i need to save for a car. Then i could drive to the bush when life gets too hard, I could give my friends lifts, I could be independent. I would feel free. Why can people like Loretta get a car but i cant?! fml. i need to stop partially blaming things on other reasons apart from myself. im exactly where i am in life because i got myself here, not cos of anyone else.


Lets see, what have i got in life... Nothing of material value. a pretty good wardrobe - which is a never ending dissatisfaction anyway. ive got some pretty strong relationships behind me.. but relationships are fragile, they come and go. my family.. hrm. to be continued! i know i have their support at the very bottom of it all. no car. no inner peace. ambition? to an extent. uni is alright, im pretty lax about it but its probably my biggest accomplishment. even with uni i havent put in my 110% effort. i think i need to travel, see myself in different situations and out of my comfort zone. see how i interact with people. i think i already know im a pretty good person from day to day. i try to be anyway. everyone was born a sinner right? how is that fucking fair.
anyway. i think its all just a matter of time. things usually fall into place for me. and that is my belief in the universe. a life unexamined is not worth living. so what if things dont work out? did i ever really expect them to? no. so be it.
Live and let live. remember to explore yourself, how can you get to know yourself if you dont explore every aspect?! try new things. learn from mistakes and keep endeavouring to improve.

PROCESS - appreciation of the filtration. xxxx