Distance

i should have stayed
where your face was my sunlight,
where your eyes melted all else away
...but instead this heart
it heavy weighs
i miss you more than i can say

i know it's old
but my heart is yours
and as i brace myself for this plane to land
i am displaced
and lost again
i miss you more than i can stand

i love you
and i am in pieces
you are my angel
and i swear
that i am yours
till i am no longer
i miss you more than i can bear.

Time

Cos baby time has changed nothing at all..
You're still the only one that feels like home







Does time really change anything? Do feelings subside? Does forgiveness finally emerge? Do mistakes get forgotten? Does guilt fade away? Do memories perish? Does one forget all that was said and done? Does love disappear like it was never there at all?

I'm pretty sure all the time in the world will never make me lose the love I have for her.

NO ENTRY

THERE'S NO GETTING PAST MY RIB CAGE.
YOU CANNOT HAVE MY HEART THIS TIME.

....

i found our old photos
in the room we burned down,
it brought me back to
the first time you held my hands..
the first time i found myself.

15 years on
through the soot
i still see pieces of us
through the rubble,
i can still make out fragments of your face.

it is the ghost that leans so heavily
my heart caves in
it is your flame that still burns my skin.

so yes,
the new room i have is soiled.
yes, your still are my saviour.
and no.
just no.
i will not.

i shall wait like i always will
and in my skin i shall burn
until the insignia on the ring becomes dead even
i shall burn 'til i hold your hands in heaven.

Depart

May i have your attention please... This is the captain of your ship..

I'm sorry we depart this way.. you left me broken hearted.....
but I never loved you anyway!

I believe you, liar.

All the things you've said
And things you've done
I remember, in memoriam
You said that you did
But you did not
Oh, you ache for something
God knows what

I sing every song I've ever sung
From what we were to what we'll become
And full of hope and electricity
Now I let you make a man of me

What can I do?
What can I do?
What can I do?
Now I am on fire
I believe you
I believe you
I believe you
I believe you, liar

Flush my system

Your visits getting shorter
Your heart is getting farther from me
Your touch is getting colder
Away somewhere you need to be


You're pulling the trigger and the gun is in my mouth
A subtle annoyance laced with disgust
When you get older and all those girls grow tired of you
You can come find me, I can never hate you

This is not a competition
You will see when I am gone
Can't you see that I am trying?

I made a vow to carry you home
If you fall sick, if you pass out
I made a vow to rescue you
If you're in trouble, if you flake out

If you need to ask
I ache because you ache

What was it you could not tell me?
Why are there cuts on your arm?
What is it you run away from?
Why have all the clocks stopped?

And it hurts all the time when you don't return my calls
And you haven't got the time to remember how it was

If you're running out of breath
And your building's burning down
You can jump, I will catch you
Nothing's changed, I am still here

With heavy hands and an absent mind
Did I blow your candle out?
With shortened words and a lack of time
Am I ever on your mind?

Was I cruel and never there?
Nothing to rely on
Was our romance a black hole?
You kept the better half than me

Well if you really wanted to know
Well no the earth's not moved for me since
I wish I could've given you lightness
The lightness that you deserve

And they say time is a healer
And time will look after you
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait
Come over




GOODBYE :(

Lifes Good

Life's good.
Embrace change - it means there's something around the corner :)

Let people be. They all come back eventually.

Shrug stress off - you wont be thinking about it next week.

Love as much as you can, simply so you dont end up wishing you did more.

Lifes good. Be good to life.

REALISATION

You are pathetic at times.
Selfish and self sabotaging.

At your age, you'd think you'd know better.

Grow the fuck up, stop being a rude little brat and sort your shit out.

Since you are no longer a positive influence in my life anymore, I don't give a shit.

ciao.

REALISATION

You are pathetic at times.
Selfish and self sabotaging.

At your age, you'd think you'd know better.

Grow the fuck up, stop being a rude little brat and sort your shit out.

Since you are no longer a positive influence in my life anymore, I don't give a shit.

ciao.

Chloe

She had a style, all her own, respectful and pure
I was sick in the head for her, and there wasn't a cure

So I decided one day, to tell her my feelings was true
I couldn't live without her so I told her, facing my fears
But honey's only response, was a face full of tears
She could only sob hysterically, holding me tight
I tried to speak, but she wouldn't stop until I left sight
I felt like a moth who got himself too close to the light
Except I didn't burn, I turned cold after that night

My real niggas would catch me thinkin', out of my zone
Fuckin' lots of different women, but I still felt alone
Relatively well-known around the New York underground
But I kept thinking of her and how we used to be down
The sound of her voice, and the beautiful smell of her hair
Though gone physically, somehow it was still there

I thank God at least I got to know what love really was
But it hurt me, to see what true love really does

The story ends without a sequel
And now you know why Technique, don't fucking fall in love with people
Hold the person that you love closely if they're next to you
The one you love, not the person that'll simply have sex with you
Appreciate them to the fullest extent, and then beyond
'Cause you never really know what you got, until it's gone

Closure

I really, really don't want to be wrong about you.

DO WHAT IT TAKES

SO we have mass amounts of proven info being pushed into us on a daily basis about health, psychological help, financial plans - everything, but people are still complaining about the dumb old problems they have been complaining about for bloody years.

You are where you are because of no one but yourself.

You're fat because you eat shit and don't exercise.
You're sad because you're focusing on the wrong things.
You're poor because you don't budget.
You're tired because you go to bed late and get up early.
You're embarrassed because you've done embarrassing things.
You feel smothered because you are smothered, in one way or another, maybe from yourself.


Life is good. It has its low points, injustice and stresses but it's a frame of mind to keep the positive side of life the focus.

Holistic health means covering all bases. You've never tried it so you haven't experienced the benefits of a wholesome outlook. Do it for yourself. You deserve to have the best things in life, and that doesn't include luxuries that money can buy, it means a fit body, peace of mind, ambitions, good relationships, confidence and self worth. It's there if you want it.

The world is at your fingertips. I trust in myself. xxx

The pressure of this life

I collapse i might stay out longer
Than i left the light on for you
Then if you show you show
If you show you show

When i feel like this
When i get so into myself
I lose track of where i'm going

And lose track of how to get going again
I feel myself slowing down
Feel myself turning around is this taken?

When i feel like this
When i get so sick of myself
Where are you going now without me?

And not knowing then that we're slowing down
You've gotta turn that around
And tell me that i'm taken tell me if i'm yours

You collapse the pressure of this life is so
You can't be held accountable
If you go you go if you go you go

Chloe

FUCK. YOU.

I'm so fucking angry at you. And you can take that any fucking stupid way you want. Yeah Chloe, everyone shits on you, YOU'RE the victim.
Jesus Christ, grow some balls. You're always so weak. It was something that turned me off you. Half of you leads the life you rebel to live. You disappoint your parents just so you can be a lesbian. But you disappoint yourself just so you can feel like you're living up to the lifestyle you think you should have. I know you know better. I'm the religion you never had. I know you better than you know yourself. You're not a second class citizen like you surround yourself with. You're better than dropping uni, you're better than working in a shitty nightclub, you're better than dating a scenester ex-stripper tryhard, you're better than hanging out with 17 yr olds from rockingham... Aren't you? You were my absolute world. My home base, my soulmate. My bestfriend. Sure, we had troubles as a couple, but I always let you know I was thinking of you, and how much you meant to me.

Your biggest fear is abandonment, feeling alone. YOU PUT THAT ON ME. WHY can't you see that you're doing the wrong thing?!? You're 24... what are you doing baby?! It's me! I'm not someone to let go. It hurts. Marlee and I had a conversation tonight.. it went like this..:

Marlee: Whats up man.. you're all emo n shit.
Ashton: Yeah O get emotional when I drink
Marlee: You're thinking about Chloe aren't you..
Ashton: jackpot
Marlee: Well she's just moving on man.. You two always held onto this attachment.. I told you, someone had to do it, you or her. It'a the only way of moving forward.
Ashton: That's the fucking difference.. I couldn't do it. She can.
Marlee: mm..

FUCK YOU CHLOE. Fuck you for being weak. Fuck you for going out with Jade. I fucking knew you would, you piece of shit.
Fuck you for not standing by your friendship with me. Fuck you for letting me down. You were the biggest deal in my life, my number one.

Im so fucking distraught that you let it get this way :'(

Rhyce

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

so ummm you told me you've never felt this way?
You said you loved me, were gonna marry me..
You said I was perfect
You said you wanted me to be yours
You said you hoped I wouldn't find another
You said I was the girl version of you
You said you told everyone about me
You said I was all you thought of
You told me you missed me, couldn't wait to be by my side
You said we were special
You said alot.

The difference is - you acted it too.
So where are you?
How do you sleep at night?
You deserve a medal for your stubborn bravado.
You would want to see these words.
You wonder what I think.
I know you miss me. At least parts of me.
I would've loved you - forever.

Just because

Just because someone doesn't give you constant attention

Just because relationships end

Just because you don't see someone alot

Just because you never really cleared things up

Just because you don't talk to someone for months

Just because you don't know what the other person is thinking 24 hours of the day...

Doesn't mean they never loved you.

If you know, you know.

Why do the little things get in the way of the big picture?

I KNOW I don't want something, but there's a part of me that is convinced I need it in some way.

I guess I just wanna remind myself that there's no other constant in life than change. Things change - and that's the way it is.

PROCESS
APPRECIATION OF THE FILTRATION

If youu cease to constantly drive your ideas forward, they can become stagnant; progress is critical.

ALWAYS MOVE FORWARD
BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE

Having to let go of something that took time and energy is always unfortunate, but knowing when to say goodbye could mean the difference between success and failure.

Sometimes things don’t go as planned, in which case you’ll want to hold the strongest position possible. Caution is fundamental to remaining in a position of power.


Faith affects motivation and makes you believe in the project you’re spending so much time and effort on. If you have no faith in your craft, the job is doomed from the outset.

KNOW YOUR LIMITS

STICK TO YOUR GUNS

Knowing exactly what to use, when to use it and how to use it appropriately is what ultimately distinguishes professionals from amateurs.

REALISE YOUR POTENTIAL
VALUE AND IMPORTANCE

Trust your instincts
Salvage something from every situation

Light + Dark - good and bad.

Think Ahead - being able to predict how your opponent will move helps you gain advantage.

Weigh your options.

So many aspects hange constantly, but the fundamental principles of learning, growing and trying your best often mean the difference between failure and success.

My kind of normal

Misunderstandings, miscommunication, misinterpretation, missing people, mistakes, misconception.

Life is one big fucking surprise after the other. I'm really sick of being surprised.

I wish I lived in the forrest where nothing around me changed except when I wanted it to.

I wish life was simple, if only for a short time.

I wish I wasn't so sensitive and had better understanding.

I wish no one hurt me, I wish I wasn't bitter.

I wish Chloe would see she's making a mistake by letting me go.

I wish Rhyce would show that he cares even a little bit.

I wish I didn't care.

How

"I wasn't lying when I said I loved you more than I love myself.

I'm smitten, I have been since the day I met you and will be til the day I die.

I'll get you back or die trying.

I love you for all you are, all your flaws.

I love you to death. And you know that."


- how can someone just throw everything away like that? biggest ouch of my life. pathetic.

EPIPHANY

LIFE IS SO GOOD.
NEW BEGINNINGS.
REALISATIONS.
NEW DOORS OPENING.
ZERO ATTACHMENT.
ZERO NEGATIVE FEELINGS.
INFINITE POSITIVITY.



H A P P I N E S S

Who used who now?

I've been dreaming about you
In a pool of your own blood,
With your eyes gouged out
By the work of my thumbs,
The scent of your insides
From under the floorboards,
The perfect perfume
For settling a score!

E N D I N G S

When you figured out you won't even care to come tell me,
Closing chapters in the dark..
Forget whatever you were reading

I'm sick of those hardback books,
Happy endings understood by everybody else.
I don't have the words to make it happen..
I've written them down but I,
I tend to leave things lying around and forget overnight.

I'm so sick of those laden stares
Hidden agendas everywhere..

Bitter... Better

If you're James Dean... I'm Audrey Hepburn

I MISS YOU CHLOE

[3:35:28 PM] Chlo: Looking back over my shoulder
I can see that look in your eyes
I never dreamed it could be over
I never wanted to say good bye
Looking back over my shoulder
With an aching deep in my heart
I wish we were starting over
Oh instead we're drifting so far apart

I ask if Hagström considers himself sane. “No, no, no. Not at all. Not from a technical standpoint. And I don’t think anyone is. Because, well, if you look at it, who is the Average Joe? Where is the Average Joe? Like, okay — whenever you find the Average Joe, who looks like the Average Joe, who’s got like two kids, a car, a wife, who lives in the suburbs some place, has a pretty decent income, and has no really radical thoughts about anything, just pretty much goes with the flow, average intelligence or whatever, you’re going to find he’s got a LOT of skeletons in the closet. Not necessarily the serial killer type, but everybody’s kinky and everybody’s twisted at some point. And suppressing that is what turns into hardcore Catholic and real far-out ideologies where you try and suppress stuff that’s actually just genetically encoded into human nature.
We could all learn a lot from acting like the insane people we are, but being responsible about it and trying to be loving while we’re doing it, and not being such messed up repressed people that we have to take out our frustrating existence on someone else.”

Let the sun set...

And now our love has been forgotten
Like you, it was never there
We're just sitting here like strangers
You gave me yourself, for just a little while
And it was you, really you

The space between us
Will not be bleak
Oceans and past light
We were lovers

I don’t care if you’re drunk or on a fucking crystal meth binge.

Thankyou Mia Timpano

And I've been consistent to the fucking dream
And I've paid my dues
Just to get them all back
A simple man with simple desire

What should i have said?
What should i have done?
The horses are here,
The damage is done!

The Unspoken

You might think that I’m crazy..
But you know I’m just your type

sometimes..

It's ok to find yourself a little lost.

2 0 1 1

Where do I start? The last 2 months have been rather significant to say the least. It's funny how I was so keen to go north for some reason. I thought I was getting away, having time to think and clear my head, thought I'd be bored. I did all of those things, I actually even went a bit crazier than I was at home because I had TOO much time to think and analyse and felt I was missing in action. That feeling was fleeting. I went away for what seems like a little piece of fate. Geraldton was without a doubt one of the best times of my life. It opened my eyes a little more and proved to myself how good life can be when you least expect! Freedom played a huge part.

In the last 2 months I have met someone who makes me nervous everytime I see them. Someone who I instantly saw some kind of future with. Someone who shares this indescribable chemistry, this feeling only we can feel between us, like an invisible drug we are inhaling from eachother. Electricity igniting between our chests. Just breathing and wanting it to last but being scared at the same time, not knowing what was happening. Keeping eye contact and just living this rare and beautiful moment. No words come close. Sharing that feeling with someone is priceless. It's so intimate, without being sexual. I can't do it justice. When you're being overwhelmed by the physical aspects of your emotions in such a good way, and you just KNOW the other person feels it too is one of, if not the best feelings I have been fortunate enough to experience. It's not forced.. it's undeniably real, you surrender to it. You never forget it. Rhyce.. I don't know if I believed in fate before I met him, but I certainly do now. Not to say that he is my destiny or anything, and not saying he isn't, but for this moment in my life I know I was meant to meet him.

So yep. I'm in love. Ecstasy, consuming, pure love.

Crazy how you can meet thousands and thousands of people who don't ever cause a second thought, and then out of nowhere someone can strike you so powerfully. If I learnt one thing from 2010, it is that relationships are fragile. They change, they come, they go, they hurt, they feel so good, they can consume you, they can haunt you. So since 2011 is my year of growing up - turning 21, graduating, settling down with my boyfriend, working and saving (hopefully) - I'm going to try and put the mess of last years lessons to use. I've only known Rhyce for about 3 months and he already means the world to me. I don't want to do anything to screw it up. I know what screws up relationships for me, usually my indecisiveness. Maybe 'screws up' was the incorrect terminology. 2010 was hurtful for me. An ego boost but still, self harming. My dual personalities come into play. Yeah I was proud of being a player, smooth talker.. bla bla bla. Oldest fucking story in the book. Taking peoples feelings for a game. I think I just like proving to myself that I can get anything I want. and I did. What I wasn't prepared for were the consequences. The guilt. The regret. I started relationships I knew weren't going anywhere for me. I guess I used people. I was caught up and stupid. I didn't want love, I'd been smothered in it. I wanted the chase and satisfaction. The satisfaction of power and effect, like someone once had over me. You never get over someone who hurts you. Not fully. You get smarter and see that it worked out for the best, but there's always that nagging inside that you weren't good enough. And no matter how many people you 'prove' to be able to get, it doesn't go away. But really, it was never about being good enough. People are people, you can't be perfect for everyone. So 2010 was a big learning curve.

I don't want to be that person who does things because they can. I know I am capable of capturing people's hearts. I know I can cause hurt. It's not as fun as it seems having someone being in love with you. Breaking someone's heart is worse than having your own heart broken. At least when it's your own heart that's broken you can feel sorry for yourself and claim the victim title. When you break someone else's heart, you self loathe, feel guilty, don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not, you get jealous even though you shouldn't, you're in the wrong and there's nothing you can do about it. If the real feelings aren't there, it's not going to work, which you probably knew from the start, and therefore feel guilty and selfish for letting things get any further. ugh it's all such a mess. Which is now, thank fuck, behind me!

Basically all I'm saying is, I'm whipping my own ass into line. I've played games for too long. This is the time to be 100% real, vulnerable, honest and loving. Rhyce is everything I want and I'm not going to let my insecurities get in the way.

On a lighter note, I'm drinking more water, trying to exercise, getting my EN shit together and spending time with my good friends. Life's pretty sweet. Financially things are very sad but that too shall pass. I have my health, my family <3, my beautiful friends, an amazing boyfriend, a bright future and it's summer holidays. I feel pretty blessed! I have high hopes for this year. I want it to be a little boring, and by boring I mean not full of drama, ie 2010. The past can't be erased. I still hurt about Chloe on a daily basis. I still think about every single person I was involved with. It still hurts. But it's not where I came from that matters, it's where I'm going. And where I'm going looks pretty damn good to me xxxxx