Where do I start? The last 2 months have been rather significant to say the least. It's funny how I was so keen to go north for some reason. I thought I was getting away, having time to think and clear my head, thought I'd be bored. I did all of those things, I actually even went a bit crazier than I was at home because I had TOO much time to think and analyse and felt I was missing in action. That feeling was fleeting. I went away for what seems like a little piece of fate. Geraldton was without a doubt one of the best times of my life. It opened my eyes a little more and proved to myself how good life can be when you least expect! Freedom played a huge part.
In the last 2 months I have met someone who makes me nervous everytime I see them. Someone who I instantly saw some kind of future with. Someone who shares this indescribable chemistry, this feeling only we can feel between us, like an invisible drug we are inhaling from eachother. Electricity igniting between our chests. Just breathing and wanting it to last but being scared at the same time, not knowing what was happening. Keeping eye contact and just living this rare and beautiful moment. No words come close. Sharing that feeling with someone is priceless. It's so intimate, without being sexual. I can't do it justice. When you're being overwhelmed by the physical aspects of your emotions in such a good way, and you just KNOW the other person feels it too is one of, if not the best feelings I have been fortunate enough to experience. It's not forced.. it's undeniably real, you surrender to it. You never forget it. Rhyce.. I don't know if I believed in fate before I met him, but I certainly do now. Not to say that he is my destiny or anything, and not saying he isn't, but for this moment in my life I know I was meant to meet him.
So yep. I'm in love. Ecstasy, consuming, pure love.
Crazy how you can meet thousands and thousands of people who don't ever cause a second thought, and then out of nowhere someone can strike you so powerfully. If I learnt one thing from 2010, it is that relationships are fragile. They change, they come, they go, they hurt, they feel so good, they can consume you, they can haunt you. So since 2011 is my year of growing up - turning 21, graduating, settling down with my boyfriend, working and saving (hopefully) - I'm going to try and put the mess of last years lessons to use. I've only known Rhyce for about 3 months and he already means the world to me. I don't want to do anything to screw it up. I know what screws up relationships for me, usually my indecisiveness. Maybe 'screws up' was the incorrect terminology. 2010 was hurtful for me. An ego boost but still, self harming. My dual personalities come into play. Yeah I was proud of being a player, smooth talker.. bla bla bla. Oldest fucking story in the book. Taking peoples feelings for a game. I think I just like proving to myself that I can get anything I want. and I did. What I wasn't prepared for were the consequences. The guilt. The regret. I started relationships I knew weren't going anywhere for me. I guess I used people. I was caught up and stupid. I didn't want love, I'd been smothered in it. I wanted the chase and satisfaction. The satisfaction of power and effect, like someone once had over me. You never get over someone who hurts you. Not fully. You get smarter and see that it worked out for the best, but there's always that nagging inside that you weren't good enough. And no matter how many people you 'prove' to be able to get, it doesn't go away. But really, it was never about being good enough. People are people, you can't be perfect for everyone. So 2010 was a big learning curve.
I don't want to be that person who does things because they can. I know I am capable of capturing people's hearts. I know I can cause hurt. It's not as fun as it seems having someone being in love with you. Breaking someone's heart is worse than having your own heart broken. At least when it's your own heart that's broken you can feel sorry for yourself and claim the victim title. When you break someone else's heart, you self loathe, feel guilty, don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not, you get jealous even though you shouldn't, you're in the wrong and there's nothing you can do about it. If the real feelings aren't there, it's not going to work, which you probably knew from the start, and therefore feel guilty and selfish for letting things get any further. ugh it's all such a mess. Which is now, thank fuck, behind me!
Basically all I'm saying is, I'm whipping my own ass into line. I've played games for too long. This is the time to be 100% real, vulnerable, honest and loving. Rhyce is everything I want and I'm not going to let my insecurities get in the way.
On a lighter note, I'm drinking more water, trying to exercise, getting my EN shit together and spending time with my good friends. Life's pretty sweet. Financially things are very sad but that too shall pass. I have my health, my family <3, my beautiful friends, an amazing boyfriend, a bright future and it's summer holidays. I feel pretty blessed! I have high hopes for this year. I want it to be a little boring, and by boring I mean not full of drama, ie 2010. The past can't be erased. I still hurt about Chloe on a daily basis. I still think about every single person I was involved with. It still hurts. But it's not where I came from that matters, it's where I'm going. And where I'm going looks pretty damn good to me xxxxx
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