This year, the mighty twenty ten, started off with a good feeling. That feeling died as fast as it came.
I think I may have made history with the amount of raw emotion that has been exhausted from every organ, gland, duct and pore in my body.
I have perished and plundered through broken - no - shattered hearts, guilt, confusion, regret and resentment.
I have been in ecstasy, ahead of my game, pure happiness, my ego was soaring. I have hated myself and loved myself more than ever. I have hated others and loved others more than ever. There is no break, no mediocre element, just an ever changing rollercoaster of emotion.
Can I please just ask, what the fuck is up with 2010?! it's like a constant new moon for me, compacted into every bit of oxygen with crazy ions to make me act like a self-doubting, no directional, sexually confused, lovesick crackhead. wow. what a description. didn't even know I had that one in me.
What nourishes me, destroys me. What I thought was a certainty has left me spinning in circles again. It's like I can't trust my own judgement. I'm sick of being a paradox and questioning myself. I wish I was definite in all that I did.
It's all false love and affection, I don't want you, I just like the attention.
Everything links. Life is like dominoes, everything has a consequence, and effect, and outcome. Each emotion links to a physicality. I've never been so physically affected by something like I have this week. It's all you think about because it's all you can feel. I felt like the biggest piece of shit. I felt like death on legs. It was as if a cannonball had been launched through my chest and I was left to live with the hollow, crushed remains, with organs and sputum reaching out of my throat, hungry but nauseous as fuck. Alive but struggling to breathe. My blood was running but not at its own will. I was alive but dead and rotting. I can say i never, ever want to feel like that again. and it's all because of fucking emotions. It amazes me how much psychological crap can trigger such intense physical reactions and versions of the emotional hurt. Humans feel to the extent of causing liquid to gush out of tiny ducts that could fill an ocean. Have you ever felt like you have zero control over your body and that your tears could go forever? its not the tears that run out, its the eyes that get sore, the nose that blocks, the chest endeavouring to breathe. its fucked. that's love. fucked.
I'm not writing this to sound intensely emo like it may seem, more so just as a reminder to my future self of the minor details that combine to make such an impact on me. I knew I'd eventually feel better and grow numb to the pain, but waiting for the day it subsides is like suicide without a weapon. You want it to leave so badly but you have no choice but to endure it. The only way out, is through.
And that is my point. The only way of getting results, is by going through the process. sometimes frustratingly inconvenient but ultimately necessary. lessons take time to learn. hurtful experiences take time to serve their purpose. It's like how you can listen to a song for years before actually realising what it actually means. time is of the essence. you know this.
PEACE
